I enjoy daydreaming about my childhood. I think about the time I wanted Santa Claus to be God. Life is complicated as an adult, and I try to simplify my vision of the perfect deity.
I admire Santa’s consistency and simplicity. He comes around once a year, every year. No mystery or contemplation as to when he may or may not show up. There is no grandiose entry, exit, or reentry. We even know the day and time so we can offer his favorite snack—milk and cookies. Okay, so maybe the entry is not so humble, but I would also brag if I could complete a global tour in one night.
There are additional reasons why Santa may be the logical deity. He does not care if I pray to him, what or when I eat, or how I choose to identify—gay or straight (and all the in-betweens). According to the popular hymn “Santa Claus Is Coming to Town,” he only asks one simple question: have I been naughty or nice? And guess what? If I’ve been naughty, there is no damnation, no eternal hell. I even get the following year to make it up to him and get back on the nice list. On top of that, he doesn’t ask me to be nice for eternal salvation or to worship him—he only asks that I be good for the sake of being good. Just because!
Santa has his flaws. It’s hard to get over the whole creepy image of him stalking me. He does know when I am sleeping and when I am awake. So before I go further, I’ll admit that he is not perfect. Santa, to his credit, is self-aware and openly admits not being perfect. He does check his list twice. Admitting this openly is perhaps one of the greatest acts of a deity acting with humility. That amount of honesty about the limitations of your transition from paper form to digital record keeping is worth noting. I suspect most of his initial R and D research went to sleigh power.
That’s all fine and dandy, people may say, but it still leaves the question about all those elves. Are they really working 363 to 364 days and nights a year? Do they have adequate restroom breaks, health insurance, and pension plans? Do they secretly roll their eyes and mumble to themselves every time Mrs. Santa walks into the shop for a visit? Admittedly, I don’t know much about their working conditions. As far as I can tell, no elves have committed suicide to date while at the workplace. I was suspicious of those safety nets outside Santa’s house and the toyshop, but at least now I know where the Chinese factories got the idea. I love the speed of information—go globalization!
There is cause for concern given the red uniform and unknown working conditions at the shop. I must tread carefully on this topic as I do not want to add any additional speculation to the rumors about a potential joint venture with communists. So maybe before making Santa official, I should conduct further due diligence on the conditions of the shop. I am still a humanist, after all.