What do I want for my 40’s? I recently had that thought and it made me reflect on how we add layers to our lives. Life experiences continue to add on top of each other - the first birthday party you remember, that one embarrassing moment in elementary school, your first high school date, the college acceptance letter (and rejections too), graduation, your first day on the job, etc. Those singular events alone didn’t change you - they were layers, wounds, rejuvenation - all on top of the core. Now that I’m 36, what should I aim for in the next fours years to have good layers in place for my 40’s? What about living in the present? Absolutely, but I want to have some idea of where I want to go.
The problem for a new family man is how to be less self-focused, yet do what is needed for your family - the “I” can be difficult to manage… it should be we. What is good for my family? What is good for we? I added the husband layer, I added the father layer, and now with a second child on the way, the core of me is still there, but it is wrapped up in “we”. The idea of “I” is foreign, and I am always embattled with I. The layers of “we” are thicker now, and I need to take extra care to ensure “I” is reasonable, and willing to sacrifice for the we. A wise friend stated that there’s almost nothing like having kids to make your world small.
My small world is family. I ground myself by trying as much as I can to center my decisions on my family. I’m less than perfect, it doesn’t always work, but the thought about family always brings me back to center. You can get lost in some crazy decision tree, but once you set the focus on family, the range of outcomes tends to get narrower.
This is very different from my life even as recent as 5-6 years ago. Go back every further, say 15-18 years, then the focus was definitely more self-centered. The time during and after college was spent thinking about the future - even mid-terms and exams weren’t enough to center me. I was a perpetual procrastinator, and at times I would pride myself on never having opened the assigned textbook (although I made up for it with very vigorous note-taking during lecture. This worked for most classes except math, which is why Calculus 2 tripped me up).The thoughts of my “future me” were exhausting because of what felt like endless possibilities - grad school or law school, pursuing a PhD, getting a corporate job, teaching, etc. I was focused on myself - even my relationships were focused on what I was getting from them.
The first time a girlfriend called me selfish - directly or implied, likely led to an argument. I don’t think anyone likes to feel guilty. However, if you can just shift a minuscule amount of that guilt and push into some self-reflection, it’s a good start to moving beyond the self. Over time the selfish moments become less frequent, and I figured out in later relationships that I actually enjoy my significant others’ gratitude. Mistakes are still made, but usually with much less frequency. The layers of experience get thicker with self-reflection. Focus on lessons learned, and all those layers prepare you for the future.
The transition to parenthood was challenging. The times before the baby were spent in a cycle of sharing with my wife, and being able to pull back to find time for myself. Easy. Get a baby that doesn’t sleep for 6 months, and well, it’s going to get rough. You will make mistakes - there will be poop. I shifted my thinking over time into how to become a better father. I also found myself reflecting more on how my own father spent time with us, and it made me appreciate the man he was teaching us to be, even indirectly. Those examples my father made apparent through his actions, were initially just held as memories. Almost like dormant seeds you knew were there to reflect on from time to time. Now those memories have suddenly sprung up, driven by the joy, and daily trial my own son makes me experience every day. My wife is always there to help. It’s not perfect, we argue from time to time. These events make life richer, when I can step back for a moment and reflect. They make me glad I’m alive.
Now it looks like I’m going to be a father to a daughter. My moments of panic are gently brushed aside by the layers of what has already occurred. The father layer is already present, but it is not stagnant, and it’s about to meet its next layer of growth. I imagine I’ll still make mistakes, but I’m expecting they will be less frequent, and hopefully less severe (for my future daughter’s sake). Then I begin to think about my wife’s growth, and now my son will shift from being an only child to becoming a big brother. Their layers are growing as well. The range of possibilities for my “I” may be getting smaller, just as the “we” gets larger. It doesn’t feel zero-sum because I feel bigger, better for it. Perhaps thats the confidence from having all those other layers underneath me, building them one by one over time so that I don’t break. The layers that allow the next generation to thrive.
I still look for moments for “me” time, and of course, date nights with the wife for those simpler “we” moments. Those moments are fun, those are nice. Yet I always want to go back to my son. I can’t wait to have that same feeling with my daughter.
My hope is that they will have enough experiences that build them up to deal with the harshness and beauty life will offer. Life seems to have moments where it will try to break you, get into your core and mess it up. Fortunately I’ve had enough family support and other layers in place to ensure that difficult moments help me grow, rather than make me small. Take it day by day, build the layers, and let’s see where we end up.
There is an interesting flow between the “I” and “we”. I have to be more mindful how I spend the spare “I” moments, because so much if my time is now embedded in the we. Eyeing the future, I imagine more intense, more involved we moments. I’m hoping that’s enough to help our children strive for their best “I’s”, before they begin to shift into whatever form of “we” they pursue. I now begin to wonder if that’s why some couples reconnect so strongly after their children leave the nest. Perhaps it’s also preparation to provide a safe place in case the grandparent layer starts to emerge. Okay, time to focus back on the present…